Friday, February 10, 2006

Getting the Janded Guy - Acquisition

Ok so I've been slacking. Sorry for the delay but I suffered a prolonged case of writers block and severl bouts of Naija related depression. Its not easy being funny, or more accurately trying to be funny so I apologise in advance.

Alaye Scoro.

PS Hopefully, you'll get the next installment sometime before the end of the year :)
Getting the Janded Guy: ACQUISITION (Part 1)
Noww pay attention ladies. We’re talking about Acquisition here; i.e. acquiring a guy in such a way that he has eyes for you and you alone. - If you’re to succeed at this you’re going to have to fight dirty. What you learnt in church, by watching “Sex and the City” or from all those hours spent gisting with your girlfriends isn’t going to help you here. From the moment you start conversing with the guy the game is on and you must be willing to play dirty. You must guard your true feelings closely and project the image necessary for the sake of this ignorant guy who doesn’t realise that you’re the best thing to happen to him since the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee video became available online.

Before we explore how to accomplish this, Lets get one thing straight.

This article excludes guys, who we consider, “overly eager” (read as desperate) to enter a relationship with you. BE VERY SUSPICIOUS OF THESE MUMUS. Any solid guy worth his Timberlands will vociferously resist or at the very least agonise over giving up the wonderful life of being a single guy and all the trappings that come with such an eminent status. These “overly eager” guys almost always fall into one of the following categories:

· They have little or no dating experience whatsoever, primarily because Darwinian laws of Natural Selection have dictated that such guys are not desirable for the continued existence of Naija society or indeed the human race.
· They are under some sort of external pressure to settle down. Be it from their family (if he invites you to meet members of said family within the first week of dating he has identified himself as such), from his friends who coincidentally are all married and would rather not hang with him on a Friday night because they’re sick and tired of explaining to their wives that they’re behaving themselves when they hang with their single friend, or from his church members (be extremely worried cos he may also be a virgin, which contrary to the nonsense that certain puritanical elements of our society may advocate is definitely not a good thing for a 30-something year old). Be especially worried if a third party (i.e. family member, friend of church member) sets up an introduction with this guy.
· They have “debts” or some other undesirable “affliction” that will only become clear after you’ve fallen in love with them
· They know that you have a non-Nigerian passport (Red or blue ones are especially valuable).

In other words beware of Janded guys that are single by circumstance rather than by choice.

For the best results our acquisition strategy is only applicable to the - guy who, whilst COMMITTED to the idea of being with you (over and above being with other babes), has demonstrated an unwillingness or apparent inability to COMMIT. Worse still, he is completely oblivious to the fact that God has ordained for both of you to be together and must thus be encouraged to realise such.

With acquisition, you’re trying to get the Janded guy to appreciate and abide by a concept that is fundamentally alien to him. More alien to him than skiing, ice hockey, marmite, or Angola qualifying for the World cup ahead of his beloved Eagles. I refer, of course, to the concept of monogamy. As a funny woman once said “Men would like monogamy more if it sounded less like monotony.” And as a man, I am sure I speak for awonboyz when I say “Never a truer word spoken.” Apparently, the problem with monogamy is that it is difficult and boring. This is an important point. It’s not boring like say a four hour Naija Church service is. No, its much worse. It’s boring like having to eat pounded yam three times a day for the rest of your life. But alas a discussion of monogamy is outside our remit and should perhaps be left for another day. For now we shall ignore all evidence to the contrary and assume that your prospective guy is open to this concept of only being with you and explore how you go about acquiring him by discussing this strategy within the context of what is expected of a Naija babe whilst out on a date with her or in fact during the process of "Dating".


For a strict definition, we shall adhere to the definition espoused by most babes whereby it's only a date if "the girl distinctly feels beforehand that she fancies or would shag you".

And given that definition, the following are just some of the applicable rules that we guys would like to operate by on such an occasion.

1. Procedure

Firstly, unlike you, we do not consider an invitation to Bible Study or to worship with your congregation a date, and in fact we will be seriously pissed off if this is your idea of a date. Not only does this make us angry with you; it also makes God angry with us and life is already hard enough thank you. Even though we appreciate the concern you have shown for our wayward lives and appreciate your desire to marry someone anointed by the Holy Spirit, we have no wish to incur the wrath of The Lord Almighty by approaching any Christian gathering for any other reason than to praise and magnify His glorious name. Should you invite us to such an event we shall infer that you do not consider us godly enough to date, bid you a prompt farewell and given that we've already incurred the Lords wrath (thankfully merciful as it is) we shall scope the Church (aka “Virgin Megastore”) for other more suitable and less hypocritical babes.

Yes we know that you're dying to do something different besides go to the cinema or have dinner at the local Golden Gate Chinese restaurant (What is it with Naija people and Chinese?) and yes we recognise that the cinema is a crap idea for a first date, given that it doesn't lend itself well to conversation but please give us a freaking break. There really isn't anything of interest for guys to take a babe to at night besides salsa dancing (which we’re not too keen on) or some culturally biased West End show, whilst still adhering to the strict budgetary constraints within which we are compelled to operate (at least on a first date). And just in case you’re wondering why we have to limit the budget, well, its cos not all of us have fathers called Alamieyeseigha (or however else you spell the name)

Also, whilst we accept that we will have to wait for you to get dressed, which women always seem to do the moment we press the door bell, - do not complain if we miss the opening curtain to the "Lion King" as a result. In fact, God help you if we miss it. Wasting the 90 pounds STERLING we had to pay for ordinary stall seats to see the production is enough of an incentive for us to kill you talk less of lose interest in you. Unless of course your skirt is really, really short or your top is really, really transparent. That said we reserve the right to obtain compensation from you in cash (and/or possibly in kind) for any emotional damage wasting the tickets may have caused.

If however you have the presence of mind to invite us to your house for dinner, then we shall of course give your brownie points for this, especially if we end up being alone.

2. Appearance

What you choose to wear on the date is your prerogative but be advised that the amount of flesh you reveal will be directly proportional to the level of interest we will show for the rest of the evening.

Oh and if they are on display then YES we are looking at your
a) Tits
b) Butt cheeks
c) Legs
d) Abs (or flab)

Also we give extra credit to babes who wear short skirts during the winter months. Whilst we accept that make-up can be a valuable tool in any babes dating kit, if you are wearing so much make-up that we barely recognise you when compared to the photo then that is definitely a bad thing. It is even worse if your face paint makes you look like Alek Wek who, despite what all these silly designers and photographers would have you believe, is in our humble estimation BUTT UGLY.

High heels are cool, almost desirable even, but be advised that our date might involve some walking and some dancing even. So please, if your particular pair of heels is going to cause you some serious grief then do us a favour, spare us the whining and wear more comfortable but equally sexy shoes instead. How you achieve this elusive balance is your business not ours.

We look for signals. If you show up wearing a woolly turtle neck and jeans, rather than a short skirt, we reserve the right to assume that you’re a nun who has no interest in finding a suitable mate.

Oh and should you decide to show the maximum amount of flesh permissible to UK public decency laws, then we reserve the right to miss out on the movie/dinner/fellowship altogether and skip ahead to the part of the evening where we blatantly try and have sex with you by uttering some rather horrid and obtuse stuff.
You cannot blame us for this. Blame Pavlovian conditioning

3. Etiquette

Nothing is more annoying to a guy than taking a babe out and discovering she not only has zero cash on her person but also hasn’t even bothered to bring any of her cards along. If you were our sisters we'd slap you for doing so. Always carry vex money. Not only is this useful for when we vex you and you decide to leave, but more importantly for when you vex us and we are forced to kick you out of our car somewhere on the A406 (North Circular) and for that matter what the hell are you carrying in that LV bag that doesn't allow you to have any cash/cards? If its not a pack of condoms then it had better be rubber gloves or "Valid anywhere" coupons.

If we are having dinner, then this should be a pleasant experience where we can hopefully in the presence of a comfortable, unique and not too romantic ambience proceed to familiarise ourselves with one another. That said please be aware of the following:
· Please turn your mobile off and feel free to chastise us for failing to do so.
· If you order the Steak, Lobster, Champagne, or anything that equates to a bill over £100 then you have ordered from the “there shall be sex tonight” section of the menu.
· If a guy asked you out on the date, HE MUST PAY. Anything else is just unacceptable. If he suggests that you go Dutch with him, then HE’S A LOSER. He is not a typical Naija guy, or rather he’s as representative of Naija guys, as Michael Jackson is of Black people.

Oh and for your information we’re wise to that trick you babes pull where as we stroll up to the Cinema box office to buy tickets the babe is suddenly magically like 20 paces behind.

4. Conversation

To ensure as pleasant an experience as possible, conversation whilst on a date with the janded guy should be kept as light-hearted and refreshing as possible. We are not impressed by talk about who’s about to be kicked out of the Big Brother house, what’s going on in Eastenders, what sort of statement Beyonce is making with her new hair do, or for that matter how badly another Naija guy treated you or one of your friends. If you’re stupid enough to consider sharing how she was saved (spiritually speaking) as an attempt at an “icebreaker” please do not take it personally when we decide to end the date immediately..

However do feel free to impress us with stories of your sexual prowess. We accept that you may want to keep that lesbian love fest you engaged in a few weeks back to yourself, but we want you to know that we shall treat such information in the strictest of confidence. Also, if its marriage you ultimately desire then such stories (and the obvious willingness to partake in future events of a similar nature) can only stand your marriage ambitions with us in good stead.

5. Miscellaneous

If you want to make it clear that you’re not in the mood for a relationship and are just attending the date just to be polite, then insist on meeting for lunch or just don’t meet up with us. It has been scientifically proven that we’re more hormonal at night and as such more prone to behaviour that you may unintentionally misconstrue as boring, lecherous, or offensive.

As for the best friend move, DON'T. We'd much rather you cancel on us rather than bring your best friend along. You can damn well be sure that we're not paying for her unless of course you gals come as some sort of ménage-e-trois package.

Don't be surprised if we open doors for you (we’re not all ill-mannered oafs) - just appreciate the gesture.

Give him extra credit if upon arrival at the restaurant he tells the maitre d' that he's made reservations. If it’s Nandos, enjoy the food but abuse him when relaying this pitiful experience to all your friends.

As per movie selection, if its your choice then we must insist that you avoid picking any of that silly romance drivel e.g. anything where J Lo is trying to act or there is some aspiring starlet being a
a) cheerleader
b) dancer
c) maid
d) anything but naked

If you're having problems choosing, it may assist you to know that anything starring Angelina Jolie, Eva Mendes or Beyonce is considered by us to be an excellent choice.

Obviously in exchange for abiding by all the aforementioned provisos we agree to
Complement you on:
-your attire,
-your hair,
-your shoes,
-your excellent taste in opting for the "house wine",
-the way you hold your fork and knife, etc.

Next time round we’ll look at the second stage of Acquisition, "The Contract".