Monday, September 19, 2005

Getting the Janded guy

The much anticipated :-) Sequel to "Understanding the Janded Guy".

All previous disclaimers still apply especially the one about using any of this stuff as a serious guide. Alaye Scoro will not accept responsibility for such stupidity.

So ladies you've decided that you want to successfully snag yourself a Janded guy rather than "settle" for a non Naija one. You want to emerge successful from this ultra competitive social environment safe in the knowledge that the guy you've ended up with is the RESULT you envisaged when you first watched "Sound of Music" and wondered what your Captain Von Trapp would look like. You want to find someone that will remain loyal and make you happy. He must also meet with the approval of your parents, receive the blessing of your pastor and ensure the eternal jealousy of your ex-classmates. So how do you do this? Well I'll BE DAMNED IF I HAVE A CLUE but that's not going to stop me from having a go. My motivation for doing this is to ensure that my guy friends end up as "happy" (read as miserable) as all the hooked up guys I know. At the very least I reckon it will be worth a few giggles and confuse a lot of people.

In this simple guide I shall attempt to analyse what currently passes as a comprehensive strategy for getting the janded guy and offer some insight into what us guys are really thinking whilst babes are trying to get us to jump through several hoops like performing circus monkeys. For now I shall focus exclusively on the serial quasi monogamistic dating approach whilst ignoring its inherent flaws when compared to the far more efficient pseudo polyandric dating model (perhaps this will be explored in a future edition

Broadly speaking there are 3 main stages in the approach a babe appears to take to Dating: Due Diligence, Acquisition and Retention. Taking things chronologically, we'll start with Due Diligence..

Due Diligence: Due Diligence (or Pre-selection) refers to the painstaking and thorough research process that the babe applies to assessing her suitor. In truth this ability has its roots in the "assessment" instinct that all women apply when in a social setting. When a babe walks into a room, she assesses the female and male talent. She looks at what the other girls are wearing, mentally measures this against what she is wearing, and makes a snap decision along the lines of "I look -
a) underdressed
b) as good as anyone else here
c) hands down better than anyone else here.

Based on how confident the girl is, she adjusts her attitude accordingly. It is this same instinct that is active during the Due Diligence stage of being with a guy.

Due Diligence is carried out in two main forms. The first involves obtaining his social CV from the rather robust and incestuous Naija network for references. I've been informed that the reason for this is that as far as a babe is concerned every guy must have "context"; a babe apparently can't just deal with any random guy of the street. They must have at least three acquaintances in common. Apparently, she wants to talk to people who know his good side, for encouragement; his bad side, so she'll have a heads up; and his family, so she'll know if she can marry him.
Basically, she needs the low down. As all guys are prone to exaggeration, she needs to know if he can back up his claims. If she's really good, she'll also penetrate his circle of friends and win them over. The theory behind this is that as a result of the bonds formed he can't treat her badly because his people are now her people. However in practice those people do their utmost to avoid getting involved in the "drama" stages of the relationship and the whole process is a waste of time. Unless of course it is these "friends" that are the cause of the drama.

The second method consists of screening the guy through a mental survey to ensure that he fits the bill. This constituent bits of the questionnaire look something like the following

1. Is he Unemployed? Yes/No
2. Is he a distant relative? Yes/No
3. Has he dated anyone I consider a friend rather than an acquaintance? Yes/No
4. Does he speak with an H-factor? Yes/No
5. Is he Yoruba? (Asked by Ibo girl) Yes/No
6. Is he Ibo? (Asked by Yoruba girl) Yes/No
7. Is he staunch Muslim? (Asked by Born Again girl) Yes/No
8. Is his genotype AS? (Asked by AS girl)? Yes/No
9. Is he resident in the UK Illegally? Yes/No
10. Does he have long nails? Yes/No
11. Does he have a girlfriend? Yes/No
12. If yes to the question 11, is he happy? (asked by home wrecker girl) Yes/No

If homeboy qualifies as a YES to any of the above questions then "nothing for him". The best the dude can hope for is to be considered a platonic friend. If he is lucky (or unlucky depending on your point of view) the babe will not inform him of his disqualification until after the date. After all she might as well get a free movie/dinner out of him.

Obviously the length of the questionnaire varies from one girl to another, but there is a direct correlation between the conservative nature of a girl's upbringing and the number of questions to be asked. If she's a puritan (e.g. a 34 year old born again virgin who's never had a boyfriend and explains most of her principles with "Pastor says…") then the questions to be answered will probably equate to a year of constant phone drilling suitably disguised as light banter. Though some might argue that she should take any guy brave (read as stupid) enough to venture near her.

There are some other questions which whilst not deal breakers can be seen to considerably advance (or hinder) the guys case. Take the following two for example:

Does he have a red Pali? Given that this is a rather blatant question, the more astute babe will try and obtain the answer to this question by trying to ascertain if the guy was born in Jand before January 1st 1983.

Does he have a car? Admittedly Jand being the great leveller that it is, the non- driving babe is comfortable with the Bus/Tube network incompetently provided by the good people of London Transport and Ken Livingstone. That said, she is loath to the thought of deciding between spending £30 on a mini-cab or catching a night bus home from Trafalgar square in her high heels after a night out at 10 Room. Even when she has her own car, she would rather have the guy do the chivalrous thing of catering for her transportation needs rather than attempt to navigate her way around the narrow streets of Central London and spend close to an hour trying to find a parking space that won't lead to a parking ticket or worse still her tyre being adorned with "yellow alloys".

What guys hate about Due Diligence?

Basically it's annoying and far too much stress. No one likes questionnaires and when a guy is being interrogated he it is definitely aware of this. Obviously he has a goal (as previously explained in "Understanding Janded guys")in mind and he will do damn near anything to reach it including suffer through a modern day Spanish inquisition whilst still projecting the ideal image that he knows the babe wants to see. He maintains this image by spewing forth tremendous amounts of drivel (otherwise known as "yanning dust)". Obviously the girl eventually discovers the drivel for what it is but by this point the dude has hopefully gotten what the drivel was intended for and moved on. The questionnaire process is so ingrained in the babes' approach that guys don't even get annoyed anymore by the thought of having to surmount it.

Due diligence is also a rather wasteful process. When so much time and energy has been spent assessing the guy prior to enjoying the pleasure of his company, any possible fun that might actually have been had on the date is reduced drastically as there's little pleasant stuff left to discover about him. I mean we all know that in general Naija guys aren't very interesting. So why does a girl wreck the little fun she'll derive from the dating experience by finding everything out in advance? Plus, whatever prior information she might have gleamed from the guy's social CV will only lead to her conjuring up delusions of grandeur that he will overwhelmingly eliminate over the course of their association.

Ironically, the biggest problem with the due diligence approach is that it seems to affect babes more than guys. Simply put it severely limits the babes options . A babe who refuses to be courageous enough to interact with guys who aren't within her social pool or who insists on having a number of mutual acquaintances , invariably ends up dating exclusively within her social circle. Understandably it's now near impossible for a babe to find a likeable guy within her janded circle whose "cousin" isn't married to her "cousin", hasn't dated one of her friends, and is as we say in Engineering parlance "fit for purpose".

Is there a better way?

Indeed. Ultimately there is only one question a babe should ask her self when she meets a new "possibility". WHY IS THIS GUY SINGLE?" If the answer to that question has nothing to do with an HIV test result, a prior conviction, dodgy immigration status or anything that would cause her to join a convent, then perhaps he's worth taking a chance on.

And then there's the "first mover advantage". Not only does this allow the babe to set the pace of things but also a bit more proactiveness on her part would be a comforting change. That whole babe posing for guy thing so as to retain her honour is so antiquated its ridiculous. It's honestly dumbfounding how many girls would rather be mounted by rabid dogs than approach a guy they like. Contrary to how most babes were raised and what they may think, a guy actually admires a bit of forwardness on a babe's part. Samantha Jones isn't our favourite "Sex and the City" character solely because of her sexual progressiveness (though that is obviously a major reason) The fact that she bears no resemblance to Camilla, Princess of Cornwall, yet often approaches guys is another significant reason for our genuine affection for her. There is a place for being reserved and its for after you've met the guy and are trying to gauge the level of his affection for you (and when "Match of the Day" is on obviously). When a nice enough looking babe steps to a guy, it shows that she's confident (yeah we like that too), and tremendously flattering to our fragile male egos. It gets us thinking that if she's brave enough to approach us in public then if we play our cards right she just might shag us (even if we have to marry her first).

So ladies here's some advice; the next time you're at a naija party - assess the male talent on show as you would normally do, find the guy you fancy the most and step to him. Even if you have to consume a few bottles of wine to pluck up the courage first, don't worry. As long as you keep your attentions to that one guy all night your honour is safe. And if you're still sober when you approach him but the alcohol on your breath is perceptible to him then all the better for you. Obviously you don't have to blatantly throw yourself at the guy because if this guy is worth the price of his admission into whatever establishment you're both in, he'll recognise the tell tale signs of a damsel in heat (distress I mean) and carry on the conversation for you. If he doesn't then you've sadly picked the mu-mu that the law of averages dictates you always stood the risk of picking.. Chalk it all up to experience and tell all your girls so that this idiot is treated like the leper he should be and ostracised from janded society.

Alternatively if the "Shock and Awe" method above seems a bit to hardcore for the novices amongst you, simply walk up to him just before you exit the club, hand him your number on a small card and say discretely "You're the cutest guy in the room, call me". Then simply await a phone call from the most excited man you will ever have the pleasure of speaking with. If he hasn't called you by the following night then he's either dead, been deported, or he thinks you look like Camilla. If its either one of the first two reasons, then your honour in Jand is secure and you can try again when next a guy catches your eye. If you look like Camilla, well hey look at the bright side, you're destined to marry a prince.

In our next edition we will look at the next stage in "Getting a Janded guy" - Acquisition.

Words by Alaye Scoro


Anonymous Commentator said...

LOL!!!! oh man that was hilarious

Friday, September 23, 2005 5:16:00 pm  
Blogger AKin said...

Well written.

Saturday, September 24, 2005 6:37:00 am  
Anonymous DeeDee said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Thursday, September 29, 2005 4:12:00 pm  
Anonymous Bashe said...

Simply Beautifully,Factually and Humorously Composed.A Round of Applause .....but not yet a Standing Ovation!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 4:16:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A master piece!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005 10:07:00 am  
Anonymous mo said...

A master piece!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005 10:08:00 am  
Anonymous mo said...

A master piece!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005 10:08:00 am  
Blogger oyi said...

You are bloody hilarious! Love it! If you don't mind (and I really hope you don't) I'm forwarding your blog to 50 of my closest Naija friends :D Keep writing and we'll keep reading!

Monday, October 17, 2005 1:44:00 am  
Blogger Cat said...

Preach brotha! When can we expect 'Acquisition'?!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 12:54:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Acquisition da?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006 4:05:00 pm  
Blogger uknaija said...

You've got a keen eye for observation

Friday, February 17, 2006 10:19:00 am  
Blogger 2undeh said...


This is so true, well written and humourous.

Friday, May 12, 2006 9:47:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice one! Well written and funny piece. One question though, you really wanna tell me that Nigerian guys are that open minded when it comes to a girl chatting them up??

Monday, May 15, 2006 5:08:00 pm  
Anonymous belle said...

You this boy!! That was freaking hilarious!!! WOW. I am literally in stitches!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 10:37:00 pm  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home