Alaye Scoro

Getting the Janded Guy - The Contract

2006-07-11T00:27:00.000+01:00

Disclaimer: Following feedback from what I can only described as concerned members of the blogosphere , I would like to point out the following:
I am to the best of my knowledge definitely not a male chauvinist pig obsessed with sex and with no hope of ever finding a real woman... I just write like I am such a being.

THE CONTRACT
The contract is an essential element in the acquisition stage because without it the janded guy is NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. As far as he is concerned you guys are “kicking it” and, contrary to what he may or may not be responsible for having you believe, all the benefits of being his girlfriend do not automatically accrue to you. He only becomes your boyfriend at the point when an agreement, usually verbal (although pedants and the overly desperate may see fit to obtain a written document) makes it clear that the two of you are an exclusive couple and he has been suitably “branded” as such by the majority of your mutual friends and society at large. Only at this point (plus two years minimum of trials, tribulations and much gnashing of teeth) can you now commence with updating that draft of your wedding website that you’ve been keeping nicely tucked away in “work in progress” folder on your desktop. If you’re lacking the necessary imagination required to come up with your wedding website, then fear not, there are more than enough examples bounding about cyberspace, all guaranteed to induce vomit, cause some form of nausea or if you’re really sad, make you jealous.
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A full analysis of Contract law as concerns acquisition is clearly outside the scope of this article but the following are important to bear in mind.
As with any contract, there are four essential elements:
· Intention to create quasi-legal relations,
· Offer
· Acceptance, and
· Consideration (value)

Intention to create quasi- legal relations: The intention to create quasi-legal relations refers to a willingness on the part of both parties to make the agreement legally binding. By way of an example, consider the situation where after a few dates the couple have retired to a bedroom (or any flat surface for that matter) for some mutually agreed coital activity, and have indeed engaged in “sampling” each other’s “opening offers”. It is at this point considered to be in very bad taste for the woman to ask the galactically stupid question “Does this mean we’re going out?” just as the guy is in the process of placing his, “log” in the “fire”. His primary intention here is to “get some” and not to create a meaningful long-lasting and fruitful relationship. He cannot say “No” (which is probably his first instinct, unless you're ‘really really’ hot) and expect that the girl be happy to continue (unless she’s ‘really really’ stupid or better still ‘really really’ horny). This situation is what is known in legal circles as one of duress - unlawful pressure exerted upon a person to coerce that person to perform an act that he or she ordinarily would not perform. And as such any agreement made under such circumstances is indeed null and void.
This obviously goes both ways as well - just because a babe has been on a few dates or indeed willingly engaged in coital activity with a guy does not mean that said guy now has any claim whatsoever to this lovely babe. She only becomes the guy’s babe at the point when she begins to get offended that he doesn’t at the very least call her everyday; insists on landing every social outing with her; gets upset that he has other female friends; or indeed just generally makes his life miserable like only a loving girlfriend can. Until that point, the babe is free to flirt with other guys as and when she sees fit.
The intention to create relations (and just what sort of relation is to be created) must always be explicitly stated. If a couple have been dating for a few months and the guy of his own free volition does any of the following,
a) Allows the girl to interact with a diverse group of his friends (female friends especially because those are the really annoying ones when it comes to relationships )
b) invites the girl to meet with members of his immediate family (siblings don’t ‘really’ count, parents definitely do)
c) allows the girl to leave her stuff all over his place (and not just in a small clearly marked compartment)
d) refers to you as his baby, wife (informally of course), madam, boo, or my personal favourites “WENCH and “MAIN BABE”;

Then the intention to create quasi-legal relations has been expressed and you can now proceed to establishing the offer.

The offer: The offer (or quasi-proposal) is an agreement to be bound on certain specific (and REASONABLE) terms. Reasonable is the key word here. As beautiful and wonderful a girl as you may be, you are not God, so please don’t invoke any stipulations resembling that “Thou shall have none other before me” commandment. To do so would be to set yourself up for major disappointment given the compelling nature of the post pubescent relationships many of us guys have had with the likes of Melissa Ford, or our ability to “feminise” inanimate objects like our cars, playstations or Ipods to mention but a paltry few.

So what constitutes an offer? In its simplest form the offer can be tabled in the following form. “Yemisi, I would like for you to be my girlfriend” or “Kemi, it would please me greatly if you agreed to be my girlfriend”. Such a frank expression of a guy’s true intention should be appreciated, and obviously if the girl is feeling the guy, she should say “yes” or “it pleases me to please you” respectively.
But wait, don’t be fooled, that’s just not good enough. So what he would like to go out with you. This is the same guy that liked Spice Girls at one point (though he would rather die than admit it). What he likes is of no concern to you. Accept this offer from him and you’re setting yourself up for major disappointment. What you want him to say is:
“Buky, I would love for you to be my girlfriend" or perhaps even more fittingly.
“Chinwe, I will be completely miserable for the rest of my life if you do not take pity on me and allow me to refer to you as my girlfriend. In fact I’ve been so nervous about asking you that I haven’t been able to eat all day. ”.Ehen, now we’re talking that’s an offer that has some heart to it, and that’s a guy you can learn to care about almost as deeply as you care for Big Brother Nigeria.

The Acceptance: Whilst it may appear to be a mere formality, the acceptance aspect of this contract is probably the most important bit (at least from a woman’s perspective) of the whole contractual relationship. For the contractual (committed dating) relationship to exist between Guy and Babe, both parties must come to an acceptance that such a relationship is to exist. In the traditional scenario, the guy asks and babe accepts. Now we are all aware (a few of us painfully so I am sure) that the mere tendering of an offer does not constitute a relationship. So if the guy “asks the babe out” formally and she asks for time to “think about it” then there is no real relationship in existence. Similarly, if after many coital sessions, the babe sits the guy down for a “talk” to clarity the status of their relationship, the fact that he does not say “no” outright does not mean that they are now an item. On the contrary, it merely means that the guy wants a few more free “bites” of the “cherry” before deciding if it is worth giving up all his other “possibilities” or indeed “responsibilities” that Naija society constituting as it does a large number of single unsatisfied and somewhat anxious women has heaped upon him. Clearly it is not only incumbent upon the babe but also in her best interest that she bring an end to this freeloaders shenanigans. However, merely accepting his offer won’t accomplish this. At this point the babe is advised not to proceed with announcing her new status to the world for fear of disappointment, or worse still being made to look like a mugu.

The problem here is that whilst an offer has been tabled, and the babe has graciously accepted, the guy has not counter-accepted and the counter acceptance is, my dear friends the be all and end all, of the acceptance. When a guy asks a girl to be his girlfriend, and she accepts, the girl HAS TO ask in return that the guy be her boyfriend, and he explicitly accept. Granted this is no guarantee of relationship bliss, but it at least denies the guy the excuse of deniability should the proverbial smelly brown stuff hit the fan. The reason a guy has to counter accept is that for us guys asking a babe to be his girlfriend is part of the whole process of trying to bed the girl. We were taught in “How to be a playa 101” that if a babe feels more comfortable shagging you as your girlfriend, then asking her to be your girlfriend does not deny you membership of the playas club. In other words, when a guy says “will you be my girlfriend” he is just yanning, (or misyanning). Only when he demonstrates to you that you are his girlfriend (and how he chooses to do so is completely up to him) will you actually obtain the title of “main babe”

Consideration: Consideration refers to something of value (compensation if you will) that induces the couple into entering into the agreement. In relationship terms, it consists of a promise to perform a desired act (like erm, sex) or a promise to refrain from doing something that one is legally entitled to do (like erm, farting when the other partner is present or if you really want to shoot for the stars then “sex with other people” - given that neither partner is at yet married).

The consideration aspect of the dating contract has long since been established and is something we are all no doubt familiar with. From days of yore, the naija guy has long since spent his money buying his girl nice stuff or treating her to splendid outings. Engaging in such is nothing more than offering consideration as compensation for all the acts of kindness that the girl has chosen to undertake, from simple deeds like allowing herself to be seen in public with him or encouraging his juvenile sense of humour to more complex activities like oral sex with nothing wasted.

Hopefully we can all now use this framework as a means for recognising and adhering to the modalities of the acquisition stage as encompassed by the primary concepts of the Date and the Contract. In our next instalment, an attempt shall be made to provide a useful set of tools for managing the most challenging aspect of a relationship with the naija guy in “Getting the Janded Guy – Retention”

Tribal Nigerian Joke

2006-03-03T16:52:00.000Z

This was admittedly inspired by a joke I heard in a movie a long long time ago. Apologies for the 3 main tribes assumption, and if you' don't find it funny.

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Three Nigerian men based in Lagos, one Hausa (from Kano), another Igbo (from Onitsha) and the third Yoruba (from Isaleko) all go before God who has promised to grant them each one wish.

The Igbo man goes first and says to God, “Heavenly Father, more than anything else I would like you to bless my hometown of Onitsha, Igboland and all of Eastern Nigeria. Please make this whole region self sufficient, prosperous, and safe for all Igbo people so that we can all return home to our beloved Igboland.” God granted the Igbo man his wish and in that instant the whole of Igboland was made instantly wealthy and all Igbos from all over the world returned to the land from whence they came to enjoy its prosperity

The Hausa man heard the Igbo mans wish and desired the same outcome for all Hausa people. So he says “Allah, you are the most kind, the most merciful, and I ask that you bless my home town of Kano and all of Northern Nigeria. I ask that you make fertile all the arid land covered by the Sahara to provide natural resources that would help make the whole of Northern Nigeria self-sufficient, prosperous, and safe for all Hausa people.” God granted the Hausa man his wish and in that instant all of Northern Nigeria became prosperous and all Northerners returned home to enjoy this prosperity .

Then God turned to the Yoruba man and said, and asked what his wish was. But the Yoruba man deliberated and said “Almighty God, before I ask for my wish I want to make sure I understand something correctly. Are you telling me that all the Igbo and Hausa people have all left Lagos and returned to their various homelands?” God said “Yes, of course. So what is your wish”. The Yoruba man says “In that case can I please just have some Guguru and Epa”.

The Dichotomy of Naija:

2006-03-03T15:59:00.000Z

In Naija there are two types of :

Guys: Those with cars and those without

Cars: Those with A/C and those without

Houses: Those with Generators and those without

Generators: Those that carry A/C and those that don't.

Babes: Those who don't yansh and those who say they don't yansh

Mobile phones: Those with credit and those without

Lagos: Lagos Island and Lagos Mainland

Parties: Those with chops and those without

Clubs: Those with Ashees and those without

Food: Those that will give you diarrhoea and those that wont

Water: Pure water and Everything else

Men: Those with BO and those without

Women: Those with BO and those without

Club nights: Those where you have to pay to get in and those where you don’t

Roads: Those with pot holes and those with really bad pot holes

Okada: Those with Car horns and those with Lorry horns

Police: Those with guns and those you don’t HAVE to give money to

Internet Café: Those with yahoo boys (419) and those without

Mosquitoes: Those that bite you and those that give you Malaria

Car parks: Those with touts and those without.

Alaye Scoro

Getting the Janded Guy - Acquisition

2006-02-10T17:27:00.000Z

Ok so I've been slacking. Sorry for the delay but I suffered a prolonged case of writers block and severl bouts of Naija related depression. Its not easy being funny, or more accurately trying to be funny so I apologise in advance.

Alaye Scoro.

PS Hopefully, you'll get the next installment sometime before the end of the year :)
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Getting the Janded Guy: ACQUISITION (Part 1)

Noww pay attention ladies. We’re talking about Acquisition here; i.e. acquiring a guy in such a way that he has eyes for you and you alone. - If you’re to succeed at this you’re going to have to fight dirty. What you learnt in church, by watching “Sex and the City” or from all those hours spent gisting with your girlfriends isn’t going to help you here. From the moment you start conversing with the guy the game is on and you must be willing to play dirty. You must guard your true feelings closely and project the image necessary for the sake of this ignorant guy who doesn’t realise that you’re the best thing to happen to him since the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee video became available online.

Before we explore how to accomplish this, Lets get one thing straight.

This article excludes guys, who we consider, “overly eager” (read as desperate) to enter a relationship with you. BE VERY SUSPICIOUS OF THESE MUMUS. Any solid guy worth his Timberlands will vociferously resist or at the very least agonise over giving up the wonderful life of being a single guy and all the trappings that come with such an eminent status. These “overly eager” guys almost always fall into one of the following categories:

· They have little or no dating experience whatsoever, primarily because Darwinian laws of Natural Selection have dictated that such guys are not desirable for the continued existence of Naija society or indeed the human race.
· They are under some sort of external pressure to settle down. Be it from their family (if he invites you to meet members of said family within the first week of dating he has identified himself as such), from his friends who coincidentally are all married and would rather not hang with him on a Friday night because they’re sick and tired of explaining to their wives that they’re behaving themselves when they hang with their single friend, or from his church members (be extremely worried cos he may also be a virgin, which contrary to the nonsense that certain puritanical elements of our society may advocate is definitely not a good thing for a 30-something year old). Be especially worried if a third party (i.e. family member, friend of church member) sets up an introduction with this guy.
· They have “debts” or some other undesirable “affliction” that will only become clear after you’ve fallen in love with them
· They know that you have a non-Nigerian passport (Red or blue ones are especially valuable).

In other words beware of Janded guys that are single by circumstance rather than by choice.

For the best results our acquisition strategy is only applicable to the - guy who, whilst COMMITTED to the idea of being with you (over and above being with other babes), has demonstrated an unwillingness or apparent inability to COMMIT. Worse still, he is completely oblivious to the fact that God has ordained for both of you to be together and must thus be encouraged to realise such.

With acquisition, you’re trying to get the Janded guy to appreciate and abide by a concept that is fundamentally alien to him. More alien to him than skiing, ice hockey, marmite, or Angola qualifying for the World cup ahead of his beloved Eagles. I refer, of course, to the concept of monogamy. As a funny woman once said “Men would like monogamy more if it sounded less like monotony.” And as a man, I am sure I speak for awonboyz when I say “Never a truer word spoken.” Apparently, the problem with monogamy is that it is difficult and boring. This is an important point. It’s not boring like say a four hour Naija Church service is. No, its much worse. It’s boring like having to eat pounded yam three times a day for the rest of your life. But alas a discussion of monogamy is outside our remit and should perhaps be left for another day. For now we shall ignore all evidence to the contrary and assume that your prospective guy is open to this concept of only being with you and explore how you go about acquiring him by discussing this strategy within the context of what is expected of a Naija babe whilst out on a date with her or in fact during the process of "Dating".

Dating

For a strict definition, we shall adhere to the definition espoused by most babes whereby it's only a date if "the girl distinctly feels beforehand that she fancies or would shag you".

And given that definition, the following are just some of the applicable rules that we guys would like to operate by on such an occasion.

1. Procedure

Firstly, unlike you, we do not consider an invitation to Bible Study or to worship with your congregation a date, and in fact we will be seriously pissed off if this is your idea of a date. Not only does this make us angry with you; it also makes God angry with us and life is already hard enough thank you. Even though we appreciate the concern you have shown for our wayward lives and appreciate your desire to marry someone anointed by the Holy Spirit, we have no wish to incur the wrath of The Lord Almighty by approaching any Christian gathering for any other reason than to praise and magnify His glorious name. Should you invite us to such an event we shall infer that you do not consider us godly enough to date, bid you a prompt farewell and given that we've already incurred the Lords wrath (thankfully merciful as it is) we shall scope the Church (aka “Virgin Megastore”) for other more suitable and less hypocritical babes.

Yes we know that you're dying to do something different besides go to the cinema or have dinner at the local Golden Gate Chinese restaurant (What is it with Naija people and Chinese?) and yes we recognise that the cinema is a crap idea for a first date, given that it doesn't lend itself well to conversation but please give us a freaking break. There really isn't anything of interest for guys to take a babe to at night besides salsa dancing (which we’re not too keen on) or some culturally biased West End show, whilst still adhering to the strict budgetary constraints within which we are compelled to operate (at least on a first date). And just in case you’re wondering why we have to limit the budget, well, its cos not all of us have fathers called Alamieyeseigha (or however else you spell the name)

Also, whilst we accept that we will have to wait for you to get dressed, which women always seem to do the moment we press the door bell, - do not complain if we miss the opening curtain to the "Lion King" as a result. In fact, God help you if we miss it. Wasting the 90 pounds STERLING we had to pay for ordinary stall seats to see the production is enough of an incentive for us to kill you talk less of lose interest in you. Unless of course your skirt is really, really short or your top is really, really transparent. That said we reserve the right to obtain compensation from you in cash (and/or possibly in kind) for any emotional damage wasting the tickets may have caused.

If however you have the presence of mind to invite us to your house for dinner, then we shall of course give your brownie points for this, especially if we end up being alone.

2. Appearance

What you choose to wear on the date is your prerogative but be advised that the amount of flesh you reveal will be directly proportional to the level of interest we will show for the rest of the evening.

Oh and if they are on display then YES we are looking at your
a) Tits
b) Butt cheeks
c) Legs
d) Abs (or flab)

Also we give extra credit to babes who wear short skirts during the winter months. Whilst we accept that make-up can be a valuable tool in any babes dating kit, if you are wearing so much make-up that we barely recognise you when compared to the photo then that is definitely a bad thing. It is even worse if your face paint makes you look like Alek Wek who, despite what all these silly designers and photographers would have you believe, is in our humble estimation BUTT UGLY.

High heels are cool, almost desirable even, but be advised that our date might involve some walking and some dancing even. So please, if your particular pair of heels is going to cause you some serious grief then do us a favour, spare us the whining and wear more comfortable but equally sexy shoes instead. How you achieve this elusive balance is your business not ours.

We look for signals. If you show up wearing a woolly turtle neck and jeans, rather than a short skirt, we reserve the right to assume that you’re a nun who has no interest in finding a suitable mate.

Oh and should you decide to show the maximum amount of flesh permissible to UK public decency laws, then we reserve the right to miss out on the movie/dinner/fellowship altogether and skip ahead to the part of the evening where we blatantly try and have sex with you by uttering some rather horrid and obtuse stuff.
You cannot blame us for this. Blame Pavlovian conditioning

3. Etiquette

Nothing is more annoying to a guy than taking a babe out and discovering she not only has zero cash on her person but also hasn’t even bothered to bring any of her cards along. If you were our sisters we'd slap you for doing so. Always carry vex money. Not only is this useful for when we vex you and you decide to leave, but more importantly for when you vex us and we are forced to kick you out of our car somewhere on the A406 (North Circular) and for that matter what the hell are you carrying in that LV bag that doesn't allow you to have any cash/cards? If its not a pack of condoms then it had better be rubber gloves or "Valid anywhere" coupons.

If we are having dinner, then this should be a pleasant experience where we can hopefully in the presence of a comfortable, unique and not too romantic ambience proceed to familiarise ourselves with one another. That said please be aware of the following:
· Please turn your mobile off and feel free to chastise us for failing to do so.
· If you order the Steak, Lobster, Champagne, or anything that equates to a bill over £100 then you have ordered from the “there shall be sex tonight” section of the menu.
· If a guy asked you out on the date, HE MUST PAY. Anything else is just unacceptable. If he suggests that you go Dutch with him, then HE’S A LOSER. He is not a typical Naija guy, or rather he’s as representative of Naija guys, as Michael Jackson is of Black people.

Oh and for your information we’re wise to that trick you babes pull where as we stroll up to the Cinema box office to buy tickets the babe is suddenly magically like 20 paces behind.

4. Conversation

To ensure as pleasant an experience as possible, conversation whilst on a date with the janded guy should be kept as light-hearted and refreshing as possible. We are not impressed by talk about who’s about to be kicked out of the Big Brother house, what’s going on in Eastenders, what sort of statement Beyonce is making with her new hair do, or for that matter how badly another Naija guy treated you or one of your friends. If you’re stupid enough to consider sharing how she was saved (spiritually speaking) as an attempt at an “icebreaker” please do not take it personally when we decide to end the date immediately..

However do feel free to impress us with stories of your sexual prowess. We accept that you may want to keep that lesbian love fest you engaged in a few weeks back to yourself, but we want you to know that we shall treat such information in the strictest of confidence. Also, if its marriage you ultimately desire then such stories (and the obvious willingness to partake in future events of a similar nature) can only stand your marriage ambitions with us in good stead.

5. Miscellaneous

If you want to make it clear that you’re not in the mood for a relationship and are just attending the date just to be polite, then insist on meeting for lunch or just don’t meet up with us. It has been scientifically proven that we’re more hormonal at night and as such more prone to behaviour that you may unintentionally misconstrue as boring, lecherous, or offensive.

As for the best friend move, DON'T. We'd much rather you cancel on us rather than bring your best friend along. You can damn well be sure that we're not paying for her unless of course you gals come as some sort of ménage-e-trois package.

Don't be surprised if we open doors for you (we’re not all ill-mannered oafs) - just appreciate the gesture.

Give him extra credit if upon arrival at the restaurant he tells the maitre d' that he's made reservations. If it’s Nandos, enjoy the food but abuse him when relaying this pitiful experience to all your friends.

As per movie selection, if its your choice then we must insist that you avoid picking any of that silly romance drivel e.g. anything where J Lo is trying to act or there is some aspiring starlet being a
a) cheerleader
b) dancer
c) maid
d) anything but naked

If you're having problems choosing, it may assist you to know that anything starring Angelina Jolie, Eva Mendes or Beyonce is considered by us to be an excellent choice.

Obviously in exchange for abiding by all the aforementioned provisos we agree to
Complement you on:
-your attire,
-your hair,
-your shoes,
-your excellent taste in opting for the "house wine",
-the way you hold your fork and knife, etc.

Next time round we’ll look at the second stage of Acquisition, "The Contract".

The Agony of being a Naija guy

2005-10-10T15:59:00.000+01:00

Allow me to reflect on how my sad Saturday afternoon unfolded.
NB: All times are subject to African time.

1345: I sit down in front of my laptop, with my Bible close by, and get ready to start monitoring the scores. Two hours of BBC sports online here I come.
1350: Receive phone call from El Nombre. “Homie, BEN are showing the Naija match.” Really, PRAISE GOD.
1355: Soak Garri and epa to help calm my nerves.
1358: I turn on the TV and see that the match is about to kick off.
1400: Kick off: Nigeria Vs Zimbabwe in Abuja, and Rwanda Vs. Angola in Kigali….and a whole host of other matches that I couldn’t care less about.
1435: GOAL! Nigeria 1-0 Zimbabwe. Obafemi Martins scores for Nigeria. Assist by Taiye Taiwo. PRAISE GOD. At least we’re doing our own part. We’ve been camped in Zimbabwe’s half and have finally breached their defence.
I recall how when Naija flogged Ireland in London a couple of years ago, I told Martins that I’d let him marry my sister if he wanted. He just smiled then. I start wondering whether he’s still interested cos I think she’s still single. As for that Taiye Taiwo guy, omo boy is just solid. Future Naija captain for sure (especially if Yobo continues to F&@# up for Everton). I love the guys discipline During the Under 21 championships in Holland, the guy Taiye was man marking was about to be substituted. So Taiye follows him as he heads off the pitch, and picks up the guys replacement and escorts him on to the field. Since then he’s been my favourite Naija player. I hope Chelsea buy him 
1447: HALF TIME. Nigeria 1-0 Zimbabwe. Rwanda 0-0 Angola. Please God, let it just end like this.
1507: Nigeria 2-0 Zimbabwe. Ehen, finally some breathing room. I can relax small now.
1515: Toilet break
1528: Return from toilet to see Nigeria 2-1 Zimbabwe. Bloody Naija defence. Bunch of Aperes.
1530: Substitution for Nigeria. Kanu comes on. OH GOD.
1532: PENALTY for Nigeria as Kanu is brought down. Now I like that Kanu guy. I don’t get it. The guy can no longer do shit in the premiership but whenever he comes on for the Eagles he changes the game.
1534: GOAL! Nigeria 3-1 Zimbabwe. Obafemi Martins, my brother in law  converts the penalty.
1539: GOAL! Rwanda 0-1 Angola. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
El Hombre calls to give me the bad news cos the BBC site is being very slow. Angola haven’t won away from home all qualifying, and Rwanda haven’t lost at home. So much for the form guide. I start to panic. By my reckoning only like 10 minutes left God please let Rwanda score. I promise I’ll never swear again.
1552 FULL TIME Rwanda 0-1 Angola. ITS ALL OVER, SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT WANKERS SHIT BASTARDS OLOSHIS.
1557. Nigeria 5-1 Zimbabwe. Kanu and Osaze Odemwingie scored two late goals to complete the rout but its all in vain. I suddenly develop a headache and need to go and lie down.

Cue the following phone conversation between Alaye Scoro and Alaye Sabi (aka “She who must be obeyed”)

Alaye Sabi: Baby, how are you doing?
Alaye Scoro: I’m so upset right now, and I think I’ve just developed a headache
Alaye Sabi: You don’t sound good.
Alaye Scoro: I want to die. I can’t believe it,
Alaye Sabi: What happened? I hope its not more bad news from Nigeria. Are your parents alright?
Alaye Scoro: I don’t even want to talk about it. Chai.
Alaye Sabi: What happened?
Alaye Scoro: It’s too painful. Bloody Angola, Bloody Rwanda, Bloody Eagles. Super my arse.
Alaye Sabi: So it’s not about your parents. Is this about football?
Alaye Scoro: YES, we didn’t qualify
Alaye Sabi: Oh no. So we didn’t qualify for the world cup.
Alaye Scoro: No we didn’t, can u imagine the first time since 1990. And there I was already planning on how I was gonna storm Germany with awonboys.
Alaye Sabi: Look don’t worry, there’s nothing you can do. Just forget about it.
Alaye Scoro: I can’t forget about it, this is football, this is soccer, this is LIFE, and LIFE IS OVER.
Alaye Sabi: Oh don’t be silly, life is not over. The world cup is still going to take place, and shebi England qualify, you can support them with me
Alaye Scoro: My friend, are you mad? I said life is over. Look don’t annoy me oh, I’m upset just let me be upset, don’t try and console me with talk of England. Those bloody English who think they’re so cool but couldn’t even beat Northern Ireland.
Alaye Sabi: At least they qualified, that’s more than you can say about Nigeria
Alaye Scoro: Look they BLOODY qualified cos Europe gets more BLOODY places than Africa. The whole thing was rigged  England haven’t even won their F%&~@#G group and they’ve qualified, the whole thing is just BLOODY nonsense. All this F%&~@#G head to head nonsense. Arrgh.
Alaye Sabi: Look control yourself. It's Football. Its just a……..CLICK

End of conversation

The Eagles have done it to us again. They allowed us to dream that the improbable (or more aptly the impossible) might happen. They forced me to put my career plans on hold whilst I combine pressing refresh on the BBC Africa Sports page every 30 seconds whilst simultaneously watching Nigeria thrash Zimbabwe on TV.
Rwanda, Bloody Rwanda. This is exactly what happens when you place your destiny in the hands of a country not quite 10 years removed from one of the most horrific genocides of modern times and expect them to do what you weren’t able to do.

Once again the inability of Nigerians (and yes I view the Eagles as a microcosm of Nigeria at large) to perform when their backs aren’t against the wall has been our undoing. LIFE IS OVER.

If you’ll excuse I’m off to go and kill some Angolans.

Getting the Janded guy

2005-09-19T16:13:00.000+01:00

The much anticipated :-) Sequel to "Understanding the Janded Guy".

All previous disclaimers still apply especially the one about using any of this stuff as a serious guide. Alaye Scoro will not accept responsibility for such stupidity.

So ladies you've decided that you want to successfully snag yourself a Janded guy rather than "settle" for a non Naija one. You want to emerge successful from this ultra competitive social environment safe in the knowledge that the guy you've ended up with is the RESULT you envisaged when you first watched "Sound of Music" and wondered what your Captain Von Trapp would look like. You want to find someone that will remain loyal and make you happy. He must also meet with the approval of your parents, receive the blessing of your pastor and ensure the eternal jealousy of your ex-classmates. So how do you do this? Well I'll BE DAMNED IF I HAVE A CLUE but that's not going to stop me from having a go. My motivation for doing this is to ensure that my guy friends end up as "happy" (read as miserable) as all the hooked up guys I know. At the very least I reckon it will be worth a few giggles and confuse a lot of people.

In this simple guide I shall attempt to analyse what currently passes as a comprehensive strategy for getting the janded guy and offer some insight into what us guys are really thinking whilst babes are trying to get us to jump through several hoops like performing circus monkeys. For now I shall focus exclusively on the serial quasi monogamistic dating approach whilst ignoring its inherent flaws when compared to the far more efficient pseudo polyandric dating model (perhaps this will be explored in a future edition

Broadly speaking there are 3 main stages in the approach a babe appears to take to Dating: Due Diligence, Acquisition and Retention. Taking things chronologically, we'll start with Due Diligence..

Due Diligence: Due Diligence (or Pre-selection) refers to the painstaking and thorough research process that the babe applies to assessing her suitor. In truth this ability has its roots in the "assessment" instinct that all women apply when in a social setting. When a babe walks into a room, she assesses the female and male talent. She looks at what the other girls are wearing, mentally measures this against what she is wearing, and makes a snap decision along the lines of "I look -
a) underdressed
b) as good as anyone else here
c) hands down better than anyone else here.

Based on how confident the girl is, she adjusts her attitude accordingly. It is this same instinct that is active during the Due Diligence stage of being with a guy.

Due Diligence is carried out in two main forms. The first involves obtaining his social CV from the rather robust and incestuous Naija network for references. I've been informed that the reason for this is that as far as a babe is concerned every guy must have "context"; a babe apparently can't just deal with any random guy of the street. They must have at least three acquaintances in common. Apparently, she wants to talk to people who know his good side, for encouragement; his bad side, so she'll have a heads up; and his family, so she'll know if she can marry him.
Basically, she needs the low down. As all guys are prone to exaggeration, she needs to know if he can back up his claims. If she's really good, she'll also penetrate his circle of friends and win them over. The theory behind this is that as a result of the bonds formed he can't treat her badly because his people are now her people. However in practice those people do their utmost to avoid getting involved in the "drama" stages of the relationship and the whole process is a waste of time. Unless of course it is these "friends" that are the cause of the drama.

The second method consists of screening the guy through a mental survey to ensure that he fits the bill. This constituent bits of the questionnaire look something like the following

1. Is he Unemployed? Yes/No
2. Is he a distant relative? Yes/No
3. Has he dated anyone I consider a friend rather than an acquaintance? Yes/No
4. Does he speak with an H-factor? Yes/No
5. Is he Yoruba? (Asked by Ibo girl) Yes/No
6. Is he Ibo? (Asked by Yoruba girl) Yes/No
7. Is he staunch Muslim? (Asked by Born Again girl) Yes/No
8. Is his genotype AS? (Asked by AS girl)? Yes/No
9. Is he resident in the UK Illegally? Yes/No
10. Does he have long nails? Yes/No
11. Does he have a girlfriend? Yes/No
12. If yes to the question 11, is he happy? (asked by home wrecker girl) Yes/No
Etc.

If homeboy qualifies as a YES to any of the above questions then "nothing for him". The best the dude can hope for is to be considered a platonic friend. If he is lucky (or unlucky depending on your point of view) the babe will not inform him of his disqualification until after the date. After all she might as well get a free movie/dinner out of him.

Obviously the length of the questionnaire varies from one girl to another, but there is a direct correlation between the conservative nature of a girl's upbringing and the number of questions to be asked. If she's a puritan (e.g. a 34 year old born again virgin who's never had a boyfriend and explains most of her principles with "Pastor says…") then the questions to be answered will probably equate to a year of constant phone drilling suitably disguised as light banter. Though some might argue that she should take any guy brave (read as stupid) enough to venture near her.

There are some other questions which whilst not deal breakers can be seen to considerably advance (or hinder) the guys case. Take the following two for example:

Does he have a red Pali? Given that this is a rather blatant question, the more astute babe will try and obtain the answer to this question by trying to ascertain if the guy was born in Jand before January 1st 1983.

Does he have a car? Admittedly Jand being the great leveller that it is, the non- driving babe is comfortable with the Bus/Tube network incompetently provided by the good people of London Transport and Ken Livingstone. That said, she is loath to the thought of deciding between spending £30 on a mini-cab or catching a night bus home from Trafalgar square in her high heels after a night out at 10 Room. Even when she has her own car, she would rather have the guy do the chivalrous thing of catering for her transportation needs rather than attempt to navigate her way around the narrow streets of Central London and spend close to an hour trying to find a parking space that won't lead to a parking ticket or worse still her tyre being adorned with "yellow alloys".

What guys hate about Due Diligence?

Basically it's annoying and far too much stress. No one likes questionnaires and when a guy is being interrogated he it is definitely aware of this. Obviously he has a goal (as previously explained in "Understanding Janded guys")in mind and he will do damn near anything to reach it including suffer through a modern day Spanish inquisition whilst still projecting the ideal image that he knows the babe wants to see. He maintains this image by spewing forth tremendous amounts of drivel (otherwise known as "yanning dust)". Obviously the girl eventually discovers the drivel for what it is but by this point the dude has hopefully gotten what the drivel was intended for and moved on. The questionnaire process is so ingrained in the babes' approach that guys don't even get annoyed anymore by the thought of having to surmount it.

Due diligence is also a rather wasteful process. When so much time and energy has been spent assessing the guy prior to enjoying the pleasure of his company, any possible fun that might actually have been had on the date is reduced drastically as there's little pleasant stuff left to discover about him. I mean we all know that in general Naija guys aren't very interesting. So why does a girl wreck the little fun she'll derive from the dating experience by finding everything out in advance? Plus, whatever prior information she might have gleamed from the guy's social CV will only lead to her conjuring up delusions of grandeur that he will overwhelmingly eliminate over the course of their association.

Ironically, the biggest problem with the due diligence approach is that it seems to affect babes more than guys. Simply put it severely limits the babes options . A babe who refuses to be courageous enough to interact with guys who aren't within her social pool or who insists on having a number of mutual acquaintances , invariably ends up dating exclusively within her social circle. Understandably it's now near impossible for a babe to find a likeable guy within her janded circle whose "cousin" isn't married to her "cousin", hasn't dated one of her friends, and is as we say in Engineering parlance "fit for purpose".

Is there a better way?

Indeed. Ultimately there is only one question a babe should ask her self when she meets a new "possibility". WHY IS THIS GUY SINGLE?" If the answer to that question has nothing to do with an HIV test result, a prior conviction, dodgy immigration status or anything that would cause her to join a convent, then perhaps he's worth taking a chance on.

And then there's the "first mover advantage". Not only does this allow the babe to set the pace of things but also a bit more proactiveness on her part would be a comforting change. That whole babe posing for guy thing so as to retain her honour is so antiquated its ridiculous. It's honestly dumbfounding how many girls would rather be mounted by rabid dogs than approach a guy they like. Contrary to how most babes were raised and what they may think, a guy actually admires a bit of forwardness on a babe's part. Samantha Jones isn't our favourite "Sex and the City" character solely because of her sexual progressiveness (though that is obviously a major reason) The fact that she bears no resemblance to Camilla, Princess of Cornwall, yet often approaches guys is another significant reason for our genuine affection for her. There is a place for being reserved and its for after you've met the guy and are trying to gauge the level of his affection for you (and when "Match of the Day" is on obviously). When a nice enough looking babe steps to a guy, it shows that she's confident (yeah we like that too), and tremendously flattering to our fragile male egos. It gets us thinking that if she's brave enough to approach us in public then if we play our cards right she just might shag us (even if we have to marry her first).

So ladies here's some advice; the next time you're at a naija party - assess the male talent on show as you would normally do, find the guy you fancy the most and step to him. Even if you have to consume a few bottles of wine to pluck up the courage first, don't worry. As long as you keep your attentions to that one guy all night your honour is safe. And if you're still sober when you approach him but the alcohol on your breath is perceptible to him then all the better for you. Obviously you don't have to blatantly throw yourself at the guy because if this guy is worth the price of his admission into whatever establishment you're both in, he'll recognise the tell tale signs of a damsel in heat (distress I mean) and carry on the conversation for you. If he doesn't then you've sadly picked the mu-mu that the law of averages dictates you always stood the risk of picking.. Chalk it all up to experience and tell all your girls so that this idiot is treated like the leper he should be and ostracised from janded society.

Alternatively if the "Shock and Awe" method above seems a bit to hardcore for the novices amongst you, simply walk up to him just before you exit the club, hand him your number on a small card and say discretely "You're the cutest guy in the room, call me". Then simply await a phone call from the most excited man you will ever have the pleasure of speaking with. If he hasn't called you by the following night then he's either dead, been deported, or he thinks you look like Camilla. If its either one of the first two reasons, then your honour in Jand is secure and you can try again when next a guy catches your eye. If you look like Camilla, well hey look at the bright side, you're destined to marry a prince.

In our next edition we will look at the next stage in "Getting a Janded guy" - Acquisition.

Words by Alaye Scoro
alayescoro@hotmail.com

The rise and rise of the Janded babe (First published in July 2005)

2005-09-16T04:01:00.000+01:00

16/05/05 - A report published by the World Economic Forum, entitled “Women’s Empowerment: Measuring the Global Gender Gap” ranks the UK 8th out of 58 countries with the smallest differences between the economic equality of both sexes. -
www.weforum.org

Disclaimer

By Janded babe (or babe for short), I am referring to that breed of Naija female that doesn’t need to rely solely on men as her source of security (financial or otherwise). My strict definition excludes the following:

·those Naija babes who arrived in Jand (or continental Europe) by boat rather than by plane,

·those who purposely failed to complete their secondary school education (they’ll be included in our article exploring the virtues of house girls),

·those who go to church religiously in search of a suitable husband rather than a deeper understanding of God’s love for man,

·those who view marriage as an “Exit Strategy” ,

·those resident in the UK illegally.

In addition, I would like to point out that the author is definitely not a male chauvinist pig, and has exaggerated (slightly) in this article for the purpose of emphasis and humour. As Kahlil Gibrain once said “An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper”. So consider this article as the perspective of an angry yet ambitious Janded guy desperate for the success which constantly eludes him but would appear to be so readily available to his female contemporary.

Finally, in discussing the various business enterprises at which Nigerians have applied themselves to, I have refused to consider successful yet illegal antics like plastic surgery (i.e. credit card fraud), benefit fraud or anything involving sexual favours of any kind.
----

Of the many words used to describe Naija society I doubt egalitarian is one of them. The best jobs in Nigeria still go to the men even though women can now be found in small numbers at all levels of management, in all respected professions and a few not so respected ones for that matter. In Jand however things couldn’t be more different.

Whenever I meet a Naija babe in London and enquire who she works for it’s amazing how the often the same names keep on coming up: Accenture, Morgan Stanley, Merrill Lynch, Deutsche Bank, Barclays Capital, UBS, Citigroup and most annoyingly of all Goldman Sachs (GS for short) and also known as the "McDonalds of Investment banking". Off the top of my head I can think of at least ten Janded babes who are either GS alumni, currently working for GS or are set to jet off for training in New York with GS in the summer. And how many guys do I know? THREE, and one of them I’m sure works in the mail room. I found this apparent disparity at GS to be most peculiar until an enlightened friend said to me “Alaye what do you expect? Of course you’ll always find a lot of babes wherever you see the words “Gold” and “Man”. Duh.

The sour grapes chomping Janded guy would say that things really aren’t that bad and at least these babes are being confined to purely back and middle office operations. WRONG. Think again. They're in the front handling things like M&A, Fixed Income, Commodities, or serious client engagement type stuff. And you best believe they’re being well compensated regardless of which part of the office they are sitting in.

The rise is not just confined to the business world either. I know of several babes working as doctors for the NHS, many of whom are based in London (which is apparently the most competitive place in the UK to get a position), Of all the guys I know only two are doctors and one of them had to go all the way to bucolic England to get his posting even though the academic institutions he’s attended would impress Tony Blair. I would offer his name were it not for the fact that our Janded community is rather small and I can’t afford to lose this guy’s friendship, generous as he is with all the so called NHS funding that ends up in his bank account.

I know five babes working for magic circle (i.e. the most prestigious) law firms, about 11 working for the big four accountancy firms and so on and so bloody forth. And then there are all the girls working for other blue chip organisations like IBM, BBC, LogicaCMG, BP, Unilever, Shell, P&G, and a whole host of other top notch firms. And I’ve not mentioned all the architects, pharmacists, and PhDs out there. This is not to say that there aren’t guys working for some of these firms, cos there are, but they seriously outnumber the guys. Even when you allow for the fact that there are more girls than guys in Jand (as I alluded to in an earlier article) I am convinced that there are disproportionately more doing well professionally than guys. I think the only thing they are content to see us guys outnumber them in is IT, club promos or deejaying.

And its getting worse.

Have you been to any of the Universities recently? From Oxbridge to Durham, the several in between and especially any of the London Unis (yes even South Bank). These notorious feeder institutions for all the companies mentioned are being overrun by Nigerians and an ever increasing number are babes. Imperial College is an interesting example. Historically dominated by Naija guys, given its exclusive focus on engineering and the sciences, you will now find Naija babes in substantial numbers in the medical school and various engineering departments. Another example is The London School of Economics (LSE). All the people I know who attended LSE have one thing in common. You guessed it. All babes. I’m not even messing with you. One works for GS (typical), another is a corporate lawyer, another’s an investment banker, another’s with the UN, yet another is a Barrister defending some of London’s dumbest petty criminals (I’m too scared to ask how many are Naija guys) and so on and so bloody forth. This is indeed ominous cos LSE, it may surprise some to know, has produced around thirty-three past and present heads of state or heads of government (Yep, I’ve done the research). A fertile breeding ground for future leaders, we would agree, and like everywhere else it would seem, is being over run by Naija babes. YAWA.

Even outside of the professional environment, Naija babes are representing. They’re demonstrating tremendous entrepreneurial flair whilst us guys are still struggling to spell entrepreneurial (thank God for MS Words Autocorrect function). I know some who, complete with their university degrees, have decided to start up their own fashion houses (JustNibi, Zingara, UrbanKnit), interior decorating companies (Inu Designs) and derive a living from such. Others are making money from catering, hairdressing (up to £80 pounds a pop - TAX BLOODY FREE!!), and wedding and event planning. Adding insult to injury, most of them have got the jobs that many of us Naija guys would sell our souls to the devil to get work for, decided they didn’t fancy it and quit to do their own thing. Like all entrepreneurs I’m sure that doing their own thing isn’t easy but hey they’re sticking at it and I admire and applaud them for that.

Another curious observation is how they are making wonderful use of the “Trickle down” and “Network” effects, spreading the wealth amongst themselves and leaving us guys high and dry. They’ll braid each other’s hair, organise each other’s weddings, and annoyingly insist that we, their unsuspecting boyfriends, buy them fashion items produced by their fellow babe (or we ain’t getting any for three months). Across the whole spectrum of UK PLC, Naija babes are recognising that the game is theirs to be had and they are going about conquering it mercilessly. And what are they leaving for us guys? Yep you guessed it: IT, club promo’s and Deejaying.

So what factors have contributed to the success of the Naija babe in UK PLC? I propose the following as the main contributing factors (though others no doubt exist)

1)Breasts – Say what you like about it but I’m convinced the fact that the possession of breasts definitely plays a part in the rise of the babe. In my somewhat limited professional career I’ve interviewed job applicants and I can easily state that the ones with breasts automatically stood a better chance of getting the job.

2)The “2 birds with 1 stone” factor – Basically affirmative action/ diversity/ whatever you want to call it is a bitch. They have more to offer than us guys. Being black AND female, they are more employable because of the effect they have on a company’s diversity stats. We’ve all seen the literature “Our Company is composed of X% Ethnic minorities, Y% women, etc”. It’s all good. Don’t worry, in my next life I’m coming back as a disabled, homosexual, black, and female. Then I’ll get any job I want or it’s straight to my nearest employment Tribunal screaming “DISCRIMINATION”.

3)F*** Me Boots – a variation on the breasts theme but essentially the same point. In the boring professional work environment, nothing cheers up what could be an otherwise dull and dreary day than a nice mini skirt and jacket ensemble (think Ally McBeal) suitably accentuated by a nice pair of knee length boots (or F*** Me Boots - FMBs). Another reason to separate this out from the first reason is to acknowledge the fact that the Naija babes who look hot in FMBs aren’t necessarily the ones with the most remarkable breasts (apparently).

4)The Chameleon effect – Put simply the educated babe would appear to be better at being a chameleon in the work place than the educated guy. Put another way, you can take the guy out of Naija but you sure as hell can’t take the Naija out of the guy, and his attitude just doesn’t go down as well with the powers that be in UK PLC. For a further explanation of the chameleon effect please see the “chameleon” article by my esteemed colleague on www.Janded.com

5)Breasts – For the sake of emphasis.

6)Discipline – In my humble opinion and for reasons that I fail to grasp the typical Naija babe is just more disciplined and organised than the typical Naija guy. They’ve already proven that they are skilled multi-taskers which for the record we guys are just plain rubbish at. Not only are they great at this, they can also tell very easily when someone else is failing miserably when trying to do the same. I am yet to simultaneously yan with a babe on the phone whilst playing my PS2 without her figuring it out (My girlfriend’s record, by the way, is 3 seconds- scary).

So finally what does the unending rise of the Janded babe mean for the struggling Janded guy?

OK guys, I’ll be frank, in my analysis, the future is bleak for the guy. The babe has proven that she is more than equal to us. She has shown a relentless and ruthless desire for excellence that is being nurtured by UK PLC and which can only be momentarily halted whilst she worries about two things: who the hell is going to marry her over achieving ass and her period that’s 4 weeks late (LOL, sorry I couldn’t resist).

Allow me to illustrate what the future might hold by providing the following anecdotes.

SCRUB A lost his job during the 2001 dot.gone fiasco. He had a babe flying high in her job with an Investment bank. She basically supported his broke ass. Now SCRUB A was no slouch but clearly some cosmic powers had conspired against him such that even with his impressive 1st class degree he suffered through numerous fruitless interviews, assessment centres, numeracy and psychometric tests whilst she sorted out a mortgage and bought a car (even though she couldn’t drive at this point).

SCRUB B, who was also a victim of the dot.gone plague, used his prolonged jobless phase to hook up with a rather cool babe who would pick him up in her brand new car, pay for dinner and drop him off at his aunt’s house where he’d moved into in order to save on the rent he clearly couldn’t afford.

SCRUB C would actually feel rather secure in his IT job if it weren’t for the fact that he has to bus it to work whilst his girlfriend is able to pay cash for her spanking new BMW (which, by virtue of her demanding city job, she only really drives at the weekend)

SCRUB D was actually feeling pretty good about his situation until the bloody February bonus round in the city. His girlfriend not only got a bonus that he would willingly suck another guy’s one eyed snake for, but she also got a pay rise that quite frankly allows her salary to dwarf his the same way, er, well the same way her breasts dwarf his. SCRUB D has this to say in his defence “Men my guy its not easy oh, I’ve dropped subtle hints for my oga at work to give me the pay increase that my promotion at the beginning of the year commands but the guy is messing me around, so in the meantime whenever my babe spends the night at my place I’m waking up earlier than her just to make sure she doesn’t wear my trousers before I do.”

And then there’s SCRUB E. Now this guy I really feel for. He was forced to vacate his rent free accommodation due to essential maintenance whilst still searching for a new job since his last employer informed him that he was “surplus to requirements”. SCRUB E was left with no option but to acquiesce to his babe’s two year old request to move in with her as they embarked on that journey towards marriage. He now does most of the housework in between attending job interviews and protecting the little manhood he has left. When I called him the other day to ask how he was holding up he said “This guy, I’ve suffered, can u believe what Sade just asked me to do?” I said “what?” fearing she was about to kick his broke ass out. He replied “She’s asked me to start making packed lunches for her to take to work!” Deep down, I’m sure the guy would have preferred she just tossed him out.

I will say this though; all these guys took their humbling like men and were able to appreciate the humour of their respective situations. More commendably, their girlfriends stood by their men through thick and thicker. Babes are good like that. They can destroy the competition brutally and still manage to appear very caring and affectionate. I’m sure that these guys would grudgingly admit that they’re proud of their babes, and will continue to support them wholeheartedly. That I think is the most sensible approach. Guys, lets support our babes completely, after all their success is our success (yeah right) and so what if we now have to pay for the sins of our forefathers? We can stay at home, play the PS2 that our babes bought for us, and begin to think about careers as home makers.

Guys, if you’re not man enough to take the high road then you can take drastic action. Pack your bags, and head back to Naija where things are still somewhat stacked in our favour and the babes are probably more willing to massage our egos the way we like (although that apparently is changing too). Or damn the consequences and get her pregnant (assuming she allows your broke ass anywhere near her desirables).

To the babes I say this, thank you. Thank you for giving me the motivation to wake up in the morning rather than toss my phone across the room when the alarm goes off. Thanks for teaching us to cook óbé the way you like it, Thanks for using your job as a recruitment consultant in the city to get our broke ass a temp job that helped us stem the financial bleeding, and most of all thanks for sticking by us rather than trading us in for some Oyinbo guy who is probably more on your level.

Words by Alaye Scoro

Understanding the Janded Guy (First published in June 2005)

2005-09-15T03:39:00.000+01:00

I've heard it all. I really have. Being a Nigerian guy in Jand for the past decade or so has meant that I have been privy to a lot of talk by the fairer sex about how useless we guys can be for a whole catalogue of reasons … and it hurts, I tell you, it really does hurt. Because the gals just don't get it. I have so many single janded babe friends and they’re forever complaining about the slim pickings as far as a suitable partner is concerned. When attempting to understand us guys they complicate and over analyse until they end up with the classic "paralysis by analysis".Come to think of it, I think the janded guy, like all other men, is simply misunderstood. So I've decided to use this forum as a cathartic tool to give a typical janded Nigerian guy’s perspective and offer a solution. Obviously I could tackle the issue from a number of different angles, but I think given the audience, I'll start with the curious dynamic that exists between the janded versions of the Naija guy and Naija girl. Ladies, please think of this as your guide to better understanding the typical janded guy.

First though, a rather lengthy disclaimer:

To begin with, this article is a witty attempt and light hearted analysis of a rather interesting dinner party topic. It is not meant in anyway as a definitive study of Nigerian men. It is a grossly simplified and generalised approach to the topic. As William Blake said "To generalise is to be an idiot". So consider this an idiot’s musing on the issue. Secondly, the author cannot be held responsible for any mishap that befalls any person stupid enough to use any of the ideas mentioned in this article as a guide for how to snag that elusive solid janded guy with the City job, red pali, a flat in St. Johns Wood, and/or a 3 bedroom house in VGC, a dead mother (so no mother-in-law stress), a car still under manufacturer’s warranty, etc.

Furthermore, whilst this article, in keeping with its title, will seek to explore what is wrong with the janded guy, it will not investigate their inability to think outside the box, their obsession with material possessions, keeping up with the Joneses, their penchant for fraud, and the herd mentality they portray in their thinking and fashion sense. After all, these things afflict the typical janded babe too. Also, by typical janded guy this article refers to the middle class Nigerian male sent to Jand by caring and concerned parents to further his post-secondary school education, and who still keeps in regular contact with all matters Nigerian. In addition, in our rather strict definition of janded guys, we have excluded those guys who have pot bellies, live in the un-gentrified parts of Peckham, roll with brethren they ostensibly refer to as “blad”, have South Bank University on their CV, attends KICC regularly, have been to Moonlighting Night club more than twice in any calendar month, haven’t been back to Nigeria since they left, studied GNVQs rather than A Levels or IBs, and who are residing in the UK illegally (as sweeping an exclusionary point as that might be). Finally, for the sake of clarity I would like to stress that the theory espoused in this article is based on anecdotal evidence and research and is by no means conclusive.

So, just how many people make up our composite of the typical janded guy? Conservative estimates put the number of people of Nigerian heritage currently residing in the UK at between 1 and 2 million. Sadly the Home Office (whom I have indeed contacted during the course of my informal research) has for some strange reason chosen to withhold its estimate of the number of Nigerians in the UK. They'll happily tell you how many Americans, Australians, even how many Japanese are legally resident here, but when it comes to Nigerians, apparently that information has been deemed too sensitive for the public domain. Go figure.

So we're talking about a maximum of a million men (assuming a 50-50 gender split, which for reasons that will be made clear later is completely inappropriate) And of these million men, I often hear complaints that the dateable pool is about a hundred, and of these only about 10 of the guys will have the gumption to do something original and romantic (notice the mutual exclusivity here) over the course of a relationship. So what’s wrong with these 999,900 men considered un-dateable by most Naija babes?

Firstly, contrary to what academics would have you believe, the attitude of man (as opposed to woman) hasn’t developed much further than that of the typical hunter-gatherer that roamed the earth during the Neolithic revolution somewhere between 8000 and 7000 BC. Man has always been ruled by his two primal instincts; fighting/hunting/killing (modern day equivalent is sports) and sexual reproduction (modern day equivalent is sex). We’re ruled by sex and sports. And some of us have been ingenious enough to make sex a sport. So the simple truth is that like all men out there, Naija men are, for want of a better word BASTARDS. We're simpletons at best ruled by the pursuit of sex and all matters pursuant to sex. We'd sleep with our sisters if it weren't considered distasteful (read as sinful) to do so. When we approach a babe, we’re only really thing about sex, when we’re dating a babe, we’re only really thinking about sex, and when we’re having sex with a babe we’re only really thinking about having sex with more babes. And lest I be accused of providing an incomplete analysis, when we haven’t previously had sex, we’re really not doing much thinking at all.

The many shortcomings inherent in our XY chromosomal make up are further augmented by the fact that the Naija man hails from a land where society has not only always undervalued the sizeable contribution made by women, but has actually subjugated the fairer sex. Colonialism, Western education and modern religion have done their bits to correct some of this injustice but let’s not kid ourselves. Naija society does very little to espouse an egalitarian view of the sexes, and as long as that is the prevailing sentiment, there is no impetus for change. Having been raised to all extent and purposes by a single mother, I for one appreciate how tough it can be for a woman within Nigerian society and secretly long for the day when women will be treated as equals in the full sense of the word and respected for what they do. That said, I’m a guy and the status quo suits me just fine (insert devilish laugh here).

Whenever I ask a Naija babe what sort of guy she’s looking for, the same adjectives keep popping up: godly, intelligent, confident, funny, (but not in a “to look at” sort of way), handsome, and most ridiculous of all, LOYAL. I mean give me a frigging break. Asking for a loyal Naija guy is like asking for an Englishman that doesn’t drink. Sure you can find one, if you search hard and long enough, but you don’t want to spend your life with him because it would be a truly boring enterprise. It’s not that Naija guys can’t be loyal, of course we can. I know Naija guys who’ve supported Arsenal for well over a decade without wavering in their commitment despite having to suffer through the managerial shite of Bruce Rioch, the abysmal disciplinary record (not that they care about such) and the team’s shocking inability to perform in Europe after 8 years of trying. Seriously though, do you honestly think that a Naija guy, who is indeed godly, intelligent, confident and funny, doesn’t realise that he’s all these things. And given that he does, why would he agree to add loyalty to his list of traits given the opportunity that exists for him in the, er, marketplace? This brings me nicely on to my next point – Market Forces.

Hopefully most of us are no doubt familiar with the laws of supply and demand, the different sorts of market they give rise to and the consequential effects on pricing. To briefly illustrate, the main reason BA and Virgin Atlantic are able to sodomise us financially when it comes to purchasing tickets to Nigeria at Xmas is because they realise that the demand for tickets to Nigeria during the Xmas period is crazily high and that they can charge us the largest amount possible. Above this price (Xmas 2005 return is circa £950) most of us would seriously consider embarking on the 6600km swim via the shark infested waters of the Atlantic. Point is, it’s a Sellers market and us poor unsuspecting peeps who just long to taste Mama Iyabo’s pounded yam at Xmas are getting the rough end of the deal.

The same is true of the Naija dating scene in Jand. The babes are getting the rough end of the deal.In a normal dating model, the women are the passive receptors (unless they’re called Samantha Jones) and the men are the active aggressors. We men compete openly for the affection of women, whilst the women compete clandestinely (in fashion/posing terms) for the attention of men who must then approach said attractive woman, and table as compelling an offer as they can so that they can get laid. This model works fine provided the number of men is greater than the number of women as this allows for an efficient marketplace where all the suitable men end up paired with a woman (the issue of her suitability need not arise), and the undesirable men (the excess if you will) get weeded out of the gene pool. However in the Naija-Jand scene, that is not the case.

For some strange reason, Naija babes seriously outnumber Naija guys. Go to Heathrow Terminals 3 and 4, Otto Lounge, Zen, Zeta Bar, Jesus House, or whatever other momentarily trendy setting Naija peeps congregate to, and chances are that the babes will outnumber the guys. My extensive research as to why this is the case is as yet inconclusive but I do know there are myriad reasons like the feminine friendly pricing policies of these erstwhile institutions, the fact that Naija guys are more likely to join a cult and die or commit a crime and go to jail therefore not making it out of Naija in the first place, that babes are able to spend more of their disposable income on themselves, and the simple fact that the good people at the British High Commission are probably more amenable to approving the visa requests tabled by babes rather than guys. Anyway I digress; the point is that for whatever reason there appears to be more babes than guys, which automatically makes it a Guys market. The figures are even more skewed in a guy’s favour if the girl goes for the tick box approach and looks for criteria like a top 20 UK university education, serious godliness (as opposed to the trendy kind), and a solid career. In such an exclusive environment I’d postulate that the babes outnumber the guys sixteen to one.

So you have this huge disparity in the numbers and you’re asking a guy to be loyal to you and neglect his huge (some may say greater) duty to society to ensure that every Naija babe is blessed with the chance for some Naija guy loving. Personally I’m all for monogamy but that model only works if we’re dealing with a perfect 1 to 1 ratio. Sadly this isn’t the case in Jand. The market is geared towards enabling (nay requiring) guys to cheat.

One other thing about the marketplace is the wrong approach of babes to it. Most babes use the same sort of approach to dating guys that their counterparts in Naija would use, thinking that the market here is exactly the same. BIG MISTAKE! The market in Jand is ahelluva lot more competitive. In Nigeria, boy meets girl, girl poses for boy, boy chases girl (cos he has no option), girl agrees for boy small (if he’s lucky) and boy must date girl (who by the way still lives in her parent’s house) for several months before he receives any form of coital pleasure, Nigeria being the more morally upstanding environment, at least relative to Jand. Now, remember what I said earlier about guys being ruled by sex? Surely such tactics are doomed to fail in the sexually charged atmosphere of the western world.

And if that wasn’t tough enough, lets add one more variable (which in mathematical terms is actually approaching a constant), the ENLIGHTENED Oyinbo chick. The Oyinbo chick (or “Black mans Kryptonite” to borrow a phrase) makes it bloody impossible for Naija babes to approach the market as they once did. Especially when the Naija guy has demonstrated the willingness to venture as far afield as Hull (5 hour drive from London) and Newcastle (6 hour drive ) in search of said Oyinbo chick and the, er, gratification (for want of a better word) that she is only too willing to provide. As an (ahem) innocent observer on a few such trips, I can only say that naija chicks have their work cut out for them if they’re going to attempt to match the antics of some of these suitably inebriated young ladies who have willingly led some of my less disciplined mates astray.

This is not to say that we’re not blessed with our own female freaks among Naija society. Oh trust me we are. It’s just that these babes are few and very far between, and a critical mass of such is sadly decades away. A female friend of mine who can only be described as enlightened and progressive takes this view on Naija guys and their infidelity; “I lay a third of the blame of infidelity at the feet of most women, who will take a guy back after he cheats, another third for the guy, since human nature is to get away with what you can, and the remaining third at the feet of the complicit other woman (if she was unaware, then 50-50 with the other two). Most guys will not tolerate their babe cheating and that is a major reason why girls don't cheat. But nowadays, girls are sad and desperate. Shame, that.” That, oddly enough is I think a fairer apportionment of the blame for man’s infidelity than even I had been willing to acknowledge. But notice how if you take my friends approach, women account for 66% of the blame whilst men account for a paltry 33%.

So what then is a Naija babe to do? I mean surely finding a suitable partner shouldn’t be this difficult and it is completely unnecessary to put up with such scandalous behaviour on the part of guys. To which I can only say ‘hell yeah!’, I am not at all excusing Naija guys’ behaviour and I do believe that if a guy cheats on you and you find out then you should indeed show him hell, for he has disrespected you (by allowing you to find out) and made a mockery of the affection (ok, love) that you have willingly showered upon him.

Personally, I think its time women strike back by collectively dumping the Naija guys who continually fail to treat them like princesses that they are. Naija babes should seriously consider venturing further afield in search of solid African ( i.e. Non-Nigerian) or even Oyinbo guys who have clearly demonstrated a less wayward pattern in matters of love. That said, these other guys do come with their own caveats: Kenyans drink too much, English guys aren’t as well endowed (or so urban legend has it), Australian men will eventually require you to follow them back home to the outback, Indian guys won’t give you the time of day, etc. Globalisation is happening for a reason and I believe that Naija babes must act to widen their pool of available men by considering races and ethnicities that they have hitherto not considered. When I met my current girlfriend (who for the record I have no intention of cheating on, though I’d be lying if I said I had never thought about it), she was dating a continental European guy and I have to say I was somewhat sobered by the realisation that it was time to step up to the plate and represent. I found her willingness to go for any guy (regardless of race) that would make her happy refreshing and sought to rise to the challenge.

There are a lot of solid guys out there and babes should do their utmost to snag a guy that’ll make them happy and won’t cause them too much drama. Once that’s done and you’ve found your cool non-Naija guy who doesn’t cause you too much drama, you can now dedicate all your drama-fighting energy to dealing with other issues like convincing your objectionable mother/family (and believe me they will object), arranging for your family of 200 to attend your wedding in Scarborough, naming your child Paddy /Mensah /Jaswinder, learning the language/culture of your husbands nation etc. If you can live with such then go for it.

On the other hand if you feel that your future happiness lies with the janded guy, then more power to you. I for one will happily provide a set of guidelines for understanding and getting the best out of this wonderfully flawed creature in a future edition of my musing.

Words by Alaye Scoro

First Contact

2005-01-18T01:07:00.000Z

Herd Mentality is a great thing isn't it.

My friends have asked me to start a blog and I'm obliging for some strange reason. I think this might actually be good for all those concerned. Firstly, awonboyz will be spared having to deal with my random musings in their inbox and this might actualy prove somewhat therapeutic for me as I attempt to understand just what exactly the sum of 27 parts (years) of AAA amounts to.